To a young mom…
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=102062255
Caitlin, I heard your story today on NPR, and my heart squeezed with the fear I heard. My children are approaching your age, and I am anxious for them as well. My stepson just got laid off from his dream job right out of school as a computer animator for a gaming company, my son also just graduated and is working at a job for $10 and hour. I am so relieved we are not having to send them money/pay for tuition, as our retirement savings has dropped by 30% this year.
Anyway, enuf of me. I have a small Montessori preschool, and a huge theme for me in Montessori is teaching, expecting independence. As a mom of grown kids, I see how much more I wish I had done to allow them to stumble, explore, and get hurt, so that they could learn to depend on themselves. Especially now.
A warning. If, at any time, what I am saying is not helpful, or is hurtful or uninteresting, just delete. These are just my thoughts as mom/teacher.
I heard that you wanted your husband/dad to “fix it” or “send some money.” I hear that in my own children’s voices when things are hard, and, you know, I want to. It is a powerful feeling to be able to fix things, whether it is a child with hurt feelings, or a small boo-boo. It is wonderful to be “Santa Claus” at Christmas, and make all dreams come true. You can do it when your children are young.
And then, slowly, you can’t. You can’t get them the perfect present, or make it okay that they didn;t get invited to a party, or that someone is just cruel, or that they are rejected. You just can’t do it.
So, in my mind, I encourage parents to let go of that much earlier. You can’t fix everything, you can only be there and empathize. The other thing you can do it to have confidence. “You are sad, but you can figure this out. You can survive it. You can adapt. You can let go and move on. You don’t need anyone to rescue you, or fix it.”
And, at first, when you don’t have confidence, you can pretend you do, and see what happens. This is all parenting, but it can apply to me, to you as well, of course.
And, hey, if you are breastfeeding, you are protecting your child the best way you can. Trust him, yourself, your body, his immune system.
Trust is all we have right now. That is no guarantee, but it is a lot, and it gets easier the more you practice.
And keep laughing with your husband, even if it is dark laughter. That was lovely to hear, and you have that, and each other, too.
March 21, 2009 | Mary W