Mary’s School Blog

“the world is mud-luscious and puddle-wonderful.” ee cummings

It was early April, a glimmery spring morning. The ice that had shut down the irrigation ditch running through our property was gone, except in a few shady stretches of embankment. The ditch-cleaning crew had been through a couple of days before with their shovels and pruning shears to slice down the wild coyote willows that grow along the banks and threaten to choke the water.

But so far, the ditch had been empty- we could see the sand and round stones that lined the ditch.

My two toddlers were frisky that morning, jumping about like little peeper frogs on the first warm morning of spring.

Typically, I head outdoors early to do chores, and they come with me, wandering over our acreage, tossing sticks and stacking rocks and chasing bantam chicks and otherwise living the good country life.

This particular April morning, they were still in their jammies, but they wanted to go outside. It was warm enough, and both pajama sets had feet. The neighbors weren’t close enough to notice if I let them out in their pajamas. So, eager to get them out of my hair, I shooed them out the door. “I’ll be right there,” I said. “Stay on the porch and play.”

A couple of minutes later, I heard a funny noise through the screen door. A burble, a gurgle, a whoosh. The sound of running water.

Upstream, the men had opened the head gates. The irrigation ditch was flowing. Yikes. I ran.

Every spring, when the irrigation canals of Northern New Mexico- known locally as acequias-get their spring water, we have a mild flooding. All of last year’s gunk-the golden cottonwood leaves that fell last October, late August’s dead daisies and September’s grass gone to seed, all stewed together for several months of winter-gets washed down the ditch until it dams up and overflows. That means mud.

This particular morning, we hit the mud jackpot: The acequia overflowed about 20 feet from my front door. It gushed goopy spring muck into the chicken coop, all over our yard and down into the field below.

My children went out the door, straight into a mud bog. By the time I got outside, it was already too late. My two precious darlings were covered, head to toe, in brown slime-in their jammies, absolutely delighted with the world.

I wish I could say this was the first time my children had gone wallowing whole hog in the mud. And we’re not talking some muddy pants here. We’re talking head-to-toe, caked in hair and eyelashes, mashed into ears, ground into pretty Easter dresses if you turn your back 30 seconds. They’re country kids and there’s nothing they love more than a puddle or a bog. They don’t just make mud pies- they make five course meals.

Nearly everywhere, spring means Mud Season, and if you have children, keeping the mud out of the house is a nearly fulltime job. Our house was not blessed with a Mud Room, so we sometimes end up with and entire Mud House. We spend so much time outside when it warms up, coming in for milk and going out to plant the corn, in for lunch and out to gather eggs, it’s hard to keep a lid on the muck that gets tracked in.

There are times when I’ve clogged the washing machine by failing to separate the merely dirty clothes from those caked in mud. But such is the life of a country mama. I chose this, I remind myself.

In West Virginia, they joke about having only two seasons: When the Mud Freezes, and When The Mud Thaws.

If you can’t beat it, try to enjoy it. Slog through it in your muck boots with abandon. Let it squish between your toes, if you dare.

Because, as much as you may not want it ground into your carpet, mud is also a good thing. Mud is a legitimate reason for guys to drive trucks. Mud is an excuse to let loose and get a little earth on us after the long, cold, bitter season. Mud is a joyful, gooey, slippery celebration of the end of winter, a herald of wonderful things, of the tulips and lilacs and cherry blossoms of spring.

Kristin Davenport

from “Grit”

By K.T. Korngold

Recently, at a neighborhood mother’s group, another mother asked me what was it about my house that made it “Montessori.” I thought about it for a moment, and realized that while I had taken for granted how Montessori philosophy can be applied to creating home environments, other parents might be curious about how they can make their home more compatible with their children’s Montessori experience.

When I think of what Montessori has to say to me as a parent that is most meaningful, it is the understanding that even at a very young age children are capable and are eager to act independently. This they can do most simply in the routines and rituals of everyday life. By setting up a home environment that enables children to take care of their own self-care throughout the day, the home environment can help the child develop independence and a strong sense of self. We can support our children to be able to say: “I can do it!” and “I did it myself!”

When we design an environment for them that helps facilitate self-care, we encourage our children to be independent at an early age, and we even make our jobs a little easier in both the short and long run!

When you come into my home, the first thing you might notice is the rows of shoes. We are a no-shoe inside house. This tradition started when my oldest child, Sarah, was born, when we lived in New York City. By taking our shoes off when we came home, we reduced the dirt and germs we brought into the home of the newborn baby. The house stayed cleaner this way, and as Sarah grew and began crawling, then scooting on the floor, and also putting nearly everything in her mouth, we appreciated knowing that the street grime stayed outside.

Next to the shoe tray is a long low bench. Emma sits here, often for 20 minutes at a time, trying on the various shoes: her sandals, her sister’s sneakers, Daddy’s flip-flops, Mommy’s slides. She loves to open and close the Velcro, untie the laces, and best of all parade around the mudroom. There is a low mirror, and a set of hooks for hats. Even at 16 months, Emma understood that she needed her shoes to go outside, and that shoes come off when we come inside. “Shoes” was one of her first words.

Like Goldilocks from the Brother’s Grimm tale, she is learning a lot about her world from the daily shoe explorations. She learns about size: small, medium, large; about classification: sandals, sneakers, shoes, boots; she learns about fit: just right, too big, way too big; she learns about opening and closing. She learns about dressing and undressing herself.

Next to the low bench, we have a hand-washing stand (designed by Montessori Hand Made in Vermont.) Sarah, the oldest, still loves to follow the many-stepped procedure with its natural beginning, middle, and end. First, she gets water in the pitcher, then pours the water into the basin; then using plenty of soap to make lots of bubbles and lather, she washes her hands. Next comes the rinsing, and then the drying of her hands on the towel (neatly hung on a little hook). Finally, she pours the water out of the basin, and then, lastly wipes out the bowl so it is ready for the next time. She washes her hands first thing when she comes in from the camp bus or school, or from playing outside in the garden. Emma, who doesn’t exactly follow the entire “process,” adores washing and lathering her hands. She delights in seeing her reflection in the small mirror hanging above the wash stand. I observe her from a distance as she pours the water into the basin and then soaps her hands. We are going through bar after bar of soap. But again, she is learning more from this hand washing experience than any electronic toy from Toys R Us could ever teach her.

In our kitchen, where I choose to spend a lot time, I have set up various areas so that Emma can be with me while I’m cooking or planning a meal. In the pantry–where I store dry goods and oversized platters, baskets, pot and pans, and bottled water‚ I have set aside the lower shelves for the children. At the very bottom, juice boxes, applesauce in cups, and raisin boxes are neatly arranged in small baskets. Emma is free to wander in at any time, and choose a snack or juice from the shelves. A few shelves higher (at Sarah’s level), there are crackers, dried fruit, cereal‚ all neatly arranged in clear glass canisters with easy open lids. To the cry: “I’m hungry!” I simply reply, “Please fix yourself a snack from the pantry.” Low and behold, they do!

Also in the pantry: napkins folded in a box, paper towels separated and stacked for easy clean up, child-size aprons on low hooks, and a small dust pan and hand broom for clean up. Even from an early age, Emma wore an apron rather that a bib. And now, she toddles into the pantry, grabs her apron, and wraps it around her.

When cooking, we are three cooks in the kitchen — humming with activity (dicing, slicing, peeling, pouring, sifting) and proudly wearing our “cooking uniforms.” I think the aprons send a message to the children that being messy is an appropriate part of the process of cooking (just as it is with art and gardening), but it is important to protect our clothes from being ruined in the process and it is important to tidy up afterwards.

Like her sister did when she was young, Emma has a low table for eating. We recently bought a new one, also designed by the talented team at Montessori Hand Made in Vermont. The table has beautiful chairs, one with arms, one without. The chairs are sturdy enough for me to sit on, but lightweight enough to be carried by a little one. (How they do like to move their furniture around!)

Emma also has a Learning Tower, (designed by a Montessori teacher/mother and available from Little Partners) which is placed in the center of the kitchen against our center island. Emma often eats her breakfast here, standing at counter top height. I can move the Tower against the sink for water play. Emma will spend an hour at the sink, doing “experiments” with water: pouring, ladeling, wisking. I find that water play is an excellent after meal activity as she gets cleaned up as I clean up. She’s finding out about temperature (hot, cold, warm) and volume (liquid, mass). She is giggling and laughing and having fun‚ and I get to enjoy every minute of her laughter.

The Learning Tower enables a child to reach the counter top level in a safe way. In a Montessori school environment the counters, tables, sinks, etc. would be at child level. While I do have one lower counter in the house (for rolling out pasty and bread) the other counters are all standard height. The Tower enables Emma to stand safely and brings the counter to her. Unlike a step stool, she can’t slip off of it.

Emma is learning about feeding herself. She uses a fork and a spoon. She is beginning to be interested in spreading with a knife. She loves pouring water or juice into a glass. (As is done in a Montessori classroom, I pre-measure the juice into the small pitcher so while she may spill, she will not overflow). And then there is the trip to the pantry to get a paper towel square to wipe up. Next the trip to the garbage to throw it away. Then back up to the table to do it again. Pouring is a fun activity for her: it has many steps, it requires moving around the kitchen. It teaches her hand-eye coordination. It is an extremely useful skill (every college kid needs to know how to pour her own milk). And it is entirely self-correcting. I don’t have to tell her when she does it correctly. The glass is simply full.

One of Emma’s favorite activities is table setting. I have outlined on a cloth placemat the shapes of a small fork, plate, knife, spoon and cup. This place mat is rolled up and placed along with the actual silverware and plate in a basket on a low shelf. Emma gets the basket, carefully carries it with two hands to the table. Slowly she begins the task of setting her place. The place mat is unrolled. The plate goes down, then the fork. Each piece in it’s own place. I don’t need to talk to her or correct her as she works. The outlines let her know when she is correct and when she needs to move or replace something.

By having the material be the “teacher” rather than the adult, the child can own their work and satisfaction with the job done. She doesn’t need to turn to me (or an another person for that matter) for outside validation. She is beginning to create her own internal guide. She can do it and she can know when she does. She will set the table again and again and again, over and over and over. I do not interrupt her. I do not interfere with her or distract her. I let her complete her “work cycle” and take as long as she needs to do it. There is nothing more important to me than giving her this time to do this important work. Is she merely setting the table? I think she is setting something up within her that will be there for a lifetime.

The playroom is set up with different areas. We don’t have a toy box. Everything is in its place. In the art area there is a caulk board with chalk in a neat little basket and a sponge for washing off the board. Other art supplies are neatly arranged in baskets and boxes. For make-believe we have a small wooden kitchen as well as a few baby dolls and dolls representing various countries of the world. Costumes are hung at child’s eye level on hangers across a clothing rack. There is a child-size full-length mirror. Both older children and younger seem to take great pleasure from the dress up area. A favorite attraction is our collection of pastel colored scarves, which become headdresses, skirts, hiding places, doll accessories, and what ever else they might imagine. I avoid using costumes of a predetermined
character. I am interested in nurturing my children’s developing imagination, not in supporting Disney stock.

There is a quiet comfy area with a low bed, low bookshelf with small books, and fluffy pillows. Sarah has shelves and shelves of books ranging from fiction to history to picture books, dictionaries, and poetry. The only thing more wonderful in our home than a visit to the local bookstore is to revisit an old favorite book, and reread the dog-eared pages. Emma has a smaller collection of smaller books‚ easy for her to hold and turn the pages. We have plenty of books with photographs of the real world: parts of the body, things in the kitchen, flowers, pictures of children from around the world, plants, and animals. DK is a great source for this type of book.

In the music area we have an attractive basket that overflows with an array of international instruments, such as drums, whistles, bells, and shakers. There is a CD player, and a small music box. The girls can use the CD player themselves, and I put out one CD at a time for Emma. We will play the same CD for a week or so before I change it. The repetition and pattern give her a sense of order and adds to her pleasure in the musical experience. She begins to know what song she will hear next. She thinks, “that song that is coming next,” and then it does. She is thinking, she is predicting, she is beginning to understand and make sense of her world.

None of us watch TV, although we do watch selective videos. Sarah and Emma really enjoy the music videos of Frank Leto and Raffi, and quiet videos such as Linnea in Monet’s Garden. They both adore watching themselves and request to see the old videos from “years ago.” We limit video watching and computer time, and for the most part the girls seldom ask for it. Very rarely we’ll see a movie. At age six Sarah is just beginning to be introduced to that commercial world and worldview. I know Emma will be exposed sooner than her sister was, but for now the kids are still enthralled with their own creations.

When she was a year old, we took her to a musical for children, based on the early reader series “Frog and Toad.” Both children loved the show, and so naturally we bought the CD, which we played at home and in the car incessantly. One song has the Toad singing “Fro-aaaaa-a-og” and then Frog says “Blah!” What a surprise when 14 month old Emma showed how well she had been listening and following along. Although she could barely talk, she sang the words she could pronounce: “aaaaa-a” and then, quite dramatically, right on cue: “Blah!”

On low shelves with attractive activities in trays or small baskets, materials are beautifully set out. There are animal pictures and corresponding animal miniatures; there are fruit picture cards and corresponding plastic fruit; there are posting materials, such as clothes pins to place on a wooden shaker box or colorful soft fabric balls to press into the opening of a decorative tissue box holder. These materials are set out with the movement of the work going from the left side of the tray to the right side, to begin to train her eye to move from left to right, as it will need to when it scans across the page when reading. There is a set of insects in a golden gossamer bag. Emma enjoys reaching her hand in and then discovering what she has found. “Ladybug,” I say ” Ladybug.” She reaches her hands above her head and wiggles her fingers in the motion we use for the ladybug song. “The lady bug she creeps along and as she creeps she sings her song, la la la la.” The neurons in her brain have made a connection: the ladybug in the bag is the same as the ladybug in the song we sing. She has connected the object to the word to the song. Wow. That eighteen-month old brain is capable of so much. As Emma likes to say, “Oh my!”

At the end of the day, when my husband comes home, he says, “what did you and Emma do today?”

I say: “We walked Sarah to the bus. We put on our shoes and we took them off. We poured juice. We cleaned up the spills. We made lunch, we ate lunch, and we washed our dishes. Emma took a nap. We played in the sand. We played in the tub. We made animal sounds. We read a few stories. We sang a few songs. We learned about the world. We spent time together.”

For me, being a Mom isn’t about buying a lot of electronic toys or decorating my daughter’s room as a fantasy castle. It isn’t even about having exciting adventures, or giving my kids the opportunity to take every possible after-school activity or sport that today’s culture seems to offer. What it is mostly about is time. Time being present with my children. Time to let Emma take her own time: to put on and pull off her shoes twenty times if she wants; time to figure out how to get her arm in the sleeve; time to scoop her own cereal. Time to let her set her own table, again and again and again. Time to cuddle with her on the low bed and read her favorite book over and over and over. It is a quiet way of spending time and letting her grow guided by an environment where she is safe to explore and learn about her world.

“It was perfectly ordinary home time,” I would like to say to him “and it is simply extraordinary.”

this article appeared in the Back to School 2003 issue of Tomorrow’s Child

Copyright K.T. Korngold 2003

© 2006 The Montessori Foundation

by Kathryn J. Kvols

A power struggle is when a person holds one position and another person holds a different position and both are unwilling to change their positions. Then it becomes a struggle for power. It is rarely about the issue at hand. It is about feeling powerless and wanting to feel more power within the situation.

Let’s look at the difference between “authentic power” and “coercive power.” Coercive power arises from judging children and situations as “bad” or “wrong” and whose ultimate outcome is separation from our children. Force is used to manipulate our child to do what we, as the parent, want them to do. Force includes the use of guilt, threats, punishment, spanking, sarcasm, criticism, intimidations, humiliation, withdrawal of love, yelling, nagging, or any other attempt to control or force our child to do something against her will. Coercive power motivates through fear instead of love and teaches children to be externally motivated rather than driven by their own set of rules or consciences. This allows children to look for outside sources to blame for their mistakes or for others to be responsible for their happiness.

On the other hand, authentic power does not judge a child as “wrong” or “bad,” but works to solve problems in ways that will unite or bond with our children through understanding and loving unconditionally. Its intention is to build positive self-concepts and to make sure that everyone wins. It is the ability to empower others to become motivated through paying attention to their own internal feelings, wants and desires, and to listen quietly for inner guidance. Authentic power teaches children that they are their own source of happiness. The end result is closeness, respect, responsibility, cooperation and a sense of joy and aliveness.

Unfortunately, coercive power is very seductive because it often works in the short-term and it is how most of us were parented so we are comfortable with it. It is very easy to use, but it seldom brings lasting results and it definitely creates strains in our relationships. So, how do we stop using it?

The first step in using authentic power is to realize that your child is not bad. That, in fact, your child is “being” just like you when you don’t get one of your needs met.

Secondly, admit that coercive behavior is not getting you the results you want, i.e., more closeness and cooperation with your child.

The third step involves using a combination of the 17 ways to avoid power struggles in this article.

The fourth step is experimenting with the alternatives and acknowledging yourself if you were successful. If you weren’t, ask yourself how you will do it differently next time. Gently encourage yourself.

The last step is to choose a method of personal growth for yourself that will unblock your ability to unconditionally love yourself, your child, your spouse, and others in your life. This could be books, personal growth courses, or private counseling, but it will help you help yourself.

The following alternatives are 17 ways to avoid power struggles. These are wonderful ways to use authentic power in your relationships with your children and it promotes positive self-concepts and cooperation. Use any or all of these suggestions and see what a difference it makes!

1. Use friendly action. Oftentimes we nag and nag our children about what they should be doing. Or we talk so much that our children become “parent deaf.” Use friendly action instead. For example, you ask your child to pick up his toy from the living room floor. He says, “In just a minute.” A minute goes by and the toy still isn’t picked up. Put a friendly smile on your face, bring your child over to the toy on the floor and walk away. If he says, “What?” just continue smiling and walk away. The minute you start answering questions or talking, you leave the door open to engage in a verbal struggle.

2. Use one word suggestions. We make over 2,000 compliance requests daily to our children, “pick up your toys,” “brush your teeth,” “eat your cereal,” etc. That kind of communication gets old and children just begin to tune it out. Instead, use one word, like “toys” or “teeth” or “cereal.” Make sure it is in a friendly voice and with a smile. Tell your children ahead of time that you are going to stop nagging so much and that you will be using just one word from now on to say what needs to be done.

3. No is a complete sentence. Children are programmed from birth to push and resist against rules. Saying no is just a boundary and if you feel guilty or bad for saying no, you are training your children to have the belief that life should go their way and if it doesn’t, it’s your fault as their parent! Say no, just once, and if she throws a tantrum, walk out of the room and let her anger be her problem.

4. Teach your children to say no to you in a respectful way. How many of us were allowed to say no growing up? If we weren’t allowed to, we did say no in a number of other ways. Like rebelling, or doing a job half-way. Teach your children to say respectfully, “No, I’m not willing to do the dishes, but I will sweep the floors and clear the table.” This creates an atmosphere of cooperation and support.
Let your children know
how valuable they are to you.

5. Give your child choices. We all like to feel powerful and influential and our children are no different. Let them make as many choices as they can that will give them control over what happens to them. For instance, “Do you want to wear your red pajamas or your blue ones?” or “Do you want to take your bath before I read you a story or after?”

6. Let your children know how valuable they are to you. The more they feel valuable to us, the less likely they are to misbehave. Ask their advice on buying clothes, or how to decorate your home. Have them teach you a game or a fun activity.

7. Use win-win negotiation to resolve conflict. Most of us were not taught the concept of win-win negotiation. We most likely experienced situations that were win-lose or lose-lose. In a power struggle the most effective negotiations are when both sides win and are happy with the end results. It can be challenging since you must listen intently to what the other person wants while staying committed to what you want. Ask your child, “I see how you can win and that’s great, because I want you to win. How can I win, too?” When children see that you are just as interested in seeing them win as yourself, they are more than willing to help figure out ways that you both can win.

8. Brainstorm solutions to the struggle. The idea is to get wild and crazy and to never discount someone else’s idea. Write all the suggestions down and then hand the list to your child first. She will go through them and cross off the ones that she doesn’t like. Then you get the paper and the opportunity to cross off the ones you don’t like. Usually there will be two or three suggestions left that the two of you can come to an agreement about. This is a wonderful problem-solving method and with enough practice, it can be done without writing anything down.

9. Give your child appropriate ways to be powerful. We all want to feel powerful and if we don’t have opportunities to do it appropriately, we will create ways to feel powerful that are inappropriate–like power struggles or picking on siblings. In the middle of a battle with your child, stop and ask yourself, “How can I give my child more power in this particular situation?” It might be as simple as asking him for his help or giving him a particular job to do that he is totally in charge of.

10. Use signals. Sometimes when a parent and child are working on resolving recurring power struggles, it is helpful to have a signal that alerts both of them to this pattern of behavior. Use signals that you both have agreed upon and feel comfortable using. Remember the more power and control you give your child, the more likely he will be to cooperate. Signals that are funny are also a light way of reminding each other about your patterns.

11. Make learning fun and enjoyable. Many of us approach disciplining our children with a serious, no-fun-allowed attitude. But think about how much more you learn when you are enjoying yourself. For example, try singing “no” instead of speaking in your usual admonishing tone of voice. Or use a gibberish language to ask your child to pick up his socks from the living room floor. That’s a lot better than getting tense and angry and having the power struggles escalate. Some people believe they don’t have time to think of unique ways to teach their children or that they aren’t creative enough to come up with ideas. Those are just self-limiting thoughts and you would be better served throwing them out of your brain. What is the real cost of handling the struggles in negative ways and what is the lesson that you are really teaching your children? A great skill for them to have as adults is to think of fun ways to handle difficult situations. You might be able to immediately win a power struggle by forcing your child to do something, but in the long run, you both lose.

12. GEMS. In a University of Iowa study, it was found that the average child gets 432 negative comments per day versus 32 positive comments. This is why it is so important to offer your child Genuine Encounter Moments (GEMS) to help them feel important, cared for and valuable. The more supported your child feels, the less she will want to engage you in power struggles to get a sense of importance. The investment of giving your full attention and curiosity to your child for a few minutes several times a day will pay big dividends by making your child feel special, unique and loved.

13. Use self-quieting. This is a method you or your child can do instead of reacting negatively to a situation. Take a break to get into a peaceful state of mind, to work through your emotions and find alternative solutions to the problem. It is a way to get calm instead of reacting in an angry or hurtful way. Try counting to ten or go to a special space you have created for yourself that is peaceful. Ask yourself the following questions: (1) What is the problem? (2) What is my part in the problem? (3) What is one thing I can do to improve the situation?

14. Understand that misbehavior is a form of communication. If we hold the belief that misbehaving children are “bad,” then we get drawn into trying to fix the bad child and make them “good.” That type of thinking sets up the power struggle system. Instead, understand that your misbehaving child is trying to communicate something to you and it is your job to “hear” that message. A more positive way to communicate to your child about their misbehavior is to ask them if their behavior is effective, are they getting the results they wanted. That way the judgment is taken out of the situation. You could say, “That doesn’t look like it worked because it made you really mad. What else could you do?” or show curiosity about their behavior, “Honey, I’m curious, why did you do that?” You will probably get an honest answer and have a better understanding about what is going on with your child.

15. Don’t major in the minors. The average American child receives approximately 13 minutes a day in actual communication with his parents. The parents spend 9 minutes of that time correcting, criticizing or arguing with their child. That only leaves 4 minutes with anything positive happening. So, carefully choose the major issues to work on with your child, don’t hassle them with a lot of minor problems. Working on too many issues at once can be overwhelming.

16. Detach. Sometimes we create patterns of reactive behavior with our children. They do something we don’t like, we react to it, they do something else, we react to that, and pretty soon, we are reacting to each other. The problems escalate and we begin to control or force our children to do things they don’t want. We aren’t solving the problem and our reactions are hurting our child and ourselves. The first step in detaching is to understand that reaction and control will not work. The next step is to self-quiet, get peaceful and balanced. Out of that peaceful calm, a solution or an intuitive thought will emerge that will effectively resolve the problem.

17. Take care of yourself. Have you ever noticed that when you are tired, overworked and overscheduled that you become irritable and controlling of your children? Probably the most important thing you can do for your children is to take care of yourself. To be effective and loving parents we need a lot of energy and encouragement. Make time for you whether it is a bubble bath, a workout at the gym, or meditation. Knowing your early warning signs of burnout is also helpful. It might be feeling overwhelmed, or your shoulders getting tight, or just a sense of being grumpy. These are symptoms of not taking enough time for you and if you don’t take that time, you’ll begin resenting the time others demand from you.

Everyone wants to feel powerful. Our children are not exempt from these feelings so the more we can do to give them appropriate ways to feel powerful, the less power STRUGGLES we will have with them. If a child feels valued, loved and respected, he will still create power struggles because he is human. But if parents consistently keep in mind why their child does this, the struggles can be effectively handled and many times avoided altogether.

Kathryn Kvols, a national speaker, is the author of the book, “Redirecting Children’s Behavior” and the president of the International Network for Children and Families. She can be reached at 1-800-257-9002.

This sounds a little preachy, even to me, but there is lots of good, practical stuff in here, and Barbara is also a mom. Good stuff, that covers their whole childhood, much of it…. Mary
1. Read about Montessori education and philosophy and how it applies to your child.

2. Purchase a copy of The Michael Olaf Catalog(s). These wonderful publications are a clear introduction to Montessori for parents as well as a source book of ideal toys, materials, books, etc. for the home. (http://www.michaelolaf.com)

3. Take the time to stand back and observe your child carefully and note the characteristics he/she is displaying.

4. Analyze your child’s wardrobe and build a wardrobe aimed at freedom of movement, independence, and freedom from distraction.

5. Make sure your child gets sufficient sleep.

6. Make both going to bed and getting up a calm and pleasant ritual.

7. Teach grace and courtesy in the home. Model it. Use courtesy with your child and help your child to demonstrate it.

8. Refrain from physical punishment and learn ways of positive discipline.

9. Have a special shelf where your child’s books are kept and replaced after careful use.

10. Make regular trips to the public library, and become familiar with the librarians and how the library works and enjoy books together. Borrow books and help your child learn the responsibility for caring for them and returning them.

11. Read together daily. With younger children stick to books with realistic themes.

12. See that your child gets to school on time.

13. Allow sufficient time for your child to dress himself/herself.

14. Allow your child to collaborate with food preparation and encourage your Extended Day child to take at least some responsibility for preparing his or her own lunch.

15. If possible allow your child a plot of land or at least a flower pot in which to experience growing things.

16. Take walks together at the child’s pace, pausing to notice things and talk about them.

17. Help your child be in a calm and prepared mood to begin school rather than over-stimulated and carrying toys or food.

18. Eliminate or strictly limit TV watching and replace with activity oriented things which involve the child rather than his/her being a passive observer. When the child does watch TV, watch it with him/her and discuss what is being seen.

19. From the earliest age give your child the responsibility to pick up after himself/herself, i.e., return toys to place, put dirty clothes in laundry basket, clear dishes to appropriate place, clean off sink after use, etc. This necessitates preparing the environment so children know where things go.

20. Hug regularly but don’t impose affection. Recognize the difference.

21. Assign regular household tasks that need to be done to maintain the household to your child as age appropriate. (Perhaps setting silverware and napkins on the table, sorting, recycling. dusting, watering plants, etc.)

22. Attend school parent education functions.

23. Arrange time for both parents to attend parent-teacher conferences. Speak together in preparation for the conference and write down questions to ask.

24. Talk to your child clearly without talking down. Communicate with respect and give the child the gift of language, new words and expressions.

25. When talking to your child, physically get on his/her level, be still, and make eye contact.

26. Sing! Voice quality does not matter. Sing together regularly. Build a repertoire of family favorites.

27. Refrain from over-structuring your child’s time with formal classes and activities. Leave time to “just be,” to play, explore, create.

28. Teach your child safety precautions. (Deal with matches, plugs, chemicals, stairs, the street, how to dial 911, etc.)

29. Teach your child his/her address, phone number, and parents’ names.

30. Count! Utilize natural opportunities that arise.

31. Tell and re-tell family based stories. For example, “On the day you were born…”

32. Look at family pictures together. Help your child be aware of his/her extended family, names, and relationships.

33. Construct your child’s biography, the story of his/her life. A notebook is ideal so that it can be added to each year. Sharing one’s story can become a much loved ritual. It can be shared with the child’s class at birthday time.

34. Assist your child to be aware of his/her feelings, to have vocabulary for emotions and be able to express them.

35. Play games together. Through much repetition children learn to take turns, to win and lose.

36. Together, do things to help others. For example, take food to an invalid neighbor, contribute blankets to a homeless shelter, give toys to those who have none, etc.

37. Speak the language of the virtues. Talk about patience, cooperativeness, courage, ingenuity, cheerfulness, helpfulness, kindness, etc. and point out those virtues when you see them demonstrated. (Virtues Project resource information available in the school office.)

38. Refrain from giving your child too much “stuff.” If there is already too much, give some away or store and rotate.

39. Memorize poetry and teach it to your child and recite it together.

40. Put up a bird feeder. Let your child have responsibility for filling it. Together learn to be good watchers and learn about the birds you see.

41. Whenever you go somewhere with your child, prepare him/her for what is going to happen and what will be expected of him/her at the store, restaurant, doctor’s office, etc.

42. Express appreciation to your child and others and help your child to do the same. Send thank you notes for gifts. Young children can dictate or send a picture. Older children can write their own. What is key is learning the importance of expressing appreciation.

43. Help your child to learn to like healthful foods. Never force a child to eat something he/she does not like, but also don’t offer unlimited alternatives! Make trying new things fun. Talk about foods and how they look or describe the taste. Introduce the word “savor” and teach how to do it. Engage children in food preparation.

44. When food shopping, talk to your child about what you see — from kumquats to lobsters. Talk about where food items come from. Talk about the people who help us by growing, picking, transporting, and displaying food.

45. Provide your child with appropriate sized furniture: his/her own table and chair to work at; perhaps a rocker in the living room to be with you; a bed that can easily be made by a child; a stool for climbing up to sink or counter.
46. While driving, point things out and discuss — construction work, interesting buildings, vehicles, bridges, animals.

47. Teach the language of courtesy. Don’t let your child interrupt. Teach how to wait after saying, “Excuse me, please.”

48. Analyze any annoying behavior of your child and teach from the positive. For example: door slamming — teach how to close a door; running in the house — teach how to walk; runny nose — teach how to use a tissue.

49. Spend quality time with people of different ages.

50. Teach your child about your religion and make them feel a part of it.

51. Help your child to have positive connections with people of diverse ethnicities, language, and beliefs.

52. Laugh a lot. Play with words. Tell jokes. Help your child to develop a sense of humor.

53. Share your profession or occupation with your child. Have him/her visit at work and have some appreciation of work done in the world.

54. See that your child learns to swim — the younger the better.

55. Have a globe or atlas in the house, and whenever names of places come up locate them with the child.

56. Make sure your child has the tools he/she needs — child size broom, mop, dust pan, whisk broom, duster, etc., to help maintain the cleanliness of the household.

57. Learn to say, “No,” without anger, and with firmness and conviction. Not everything children want is appropriate.

58. Arrange environments and options so that you end up saying yes more than no.

59. Refrain from laughing at your child.

60. Alert children to upcoming events so they can mentally prepare, e.g., “In ten minutes, it will be time for bed.”

61. Help children to maintain a calendar, becoming familiar with days and months, or counting down to special events. Talk about it regularly.

62. Get a pet and guide your child to take responsibility for its care.

63. Refrain from replacing everything that gets broken. Help children to learn the value of money, and, the consequences of actions.

64. Take a nighttime walk — listen to sounds, observe the moon, smell the air.

65. Take a rain walk. Wear coats and boots to be protected, but then fully enjoy the rain.

66. Allow your Primary-aged child to use his/her whole body and mind for active doing. Save computers for the Elementary years and later when they become a useful tool of the conscious mind.

67. If you must travel without your child, leave notes behind for him/her to open each day you are gone.

68. Expose your child to all sorts of music.

69. Talk about art, visit statue gardens, and make short visits to museums and look at a couple of pictures. Make it meaningful and enjoyable. Don’t overdue.

70. Help them learn to sort: the laundry, silverware, etc.

71. Help them become aware of sounds in words. Play games: what starts with “mmmm?” “What ends with ‘t’?”

72. Organize the child’s things in appropriate containers and on low shelves.

73. Aid the child in absorbing a sense of beauty: expose him/her to flowers, woods, and natural materials, and avoid plastic.

74. Help your child start a collection of something interesting.

75. Talk about the colors (don’t forget shades), textures, and shapes you see around you.

76. Provide art materials, paper, appropriate aprons, and mats to define the work space. Provide tools for cleaning up.

77. Evaluate each of your child’s toys.

Does it help him/her learn something?
Does the child use it?
Does it “work,” and are all pieces present?
Is it safe?

78. Refrain from doing for a child what he/she can do for himself/herself.

79. Provide opportunities for physical activity — running, hopping, skipping, climbing. Teach them how. Go to a playground if necessary.

80. Teach children how to be still and make “silence.” Do it together. Children love to be in a meditative space if given the opportunity.

81. Teach your child his/her birthday.

82. Read the notes that are sent home from school.

83. Alert the teacher to anything that may be affecting your child — lack of sleep, exposure to a fight, moving, relative visiting in home, parent out of town, etc.

84. Provide a place to just dig. Allow your child to get totally dirty sometimes without inhibitions.

85. Refrain from offering material rewards or even excessive praise. Let the experience of accomplishment be its own reward.

86. Don’t speak for your child to others. Give the space for the child to speak for himself/herself, and if he/she doesn’t it’s okay.

87. Apologize to your child when you’ve made a mistake.

88. Understand what Montessori meant by sensitive periods. Know when your child is in one and utilize it.

89. Learn to wait. Some things people want to give their children or do with them are more appropriate at a later age. Be patient, the optimal time will come. Stay focused on where they are right now.

90. Play ball together: moms and dads, boys and girls.

91. Tell them what you value in them. Let them hear you express what you value in others.

92. Always tell the truth.

93. Go to the beach and play in the sand.

94. Ride the bus; take a train — at least once.

95. Watch a sunrise. Watch a sunset.

96. Share appropriate “news” from the newspaper: new dinosaur was discovered; a baby elephant born at the zoo; a child honored for bravery; the weather forecast.

97. Evaluate your child’s hairstyle. Is it neat and not a distraction or is it always in the child’s eyes, falling out of headbands, etc?

98. Let your child help you wash the car and learn the vocabulary of the parts of the car. With this and other tasks take time to focus on the process for the child more than the end product.

99. Talk about right, left, straight, turn, north, south, east, west, in a natural way so your child develops a sense of direction and the means to talk about it.

100. Place a small pitcher of water or juice on a low refrigerator shelf and a glass in a low place so your child can be independent in getting a drink.

101. If your child is attached to things like pacifiers, start a weaning process.

Enjoy life together!

Barbara Hacker is an Early Childhood Montessori Guide at the Post Oak School in Belleaire, Texas.

The Montessori Learning Environment

1. A Child-Centered Environment: The focus of activity in the Montessori setting is on children learning, not on teachers teaching. Generally student will work individually or in small, self-selected groups. There will be very few whole group lessons.

2. A Responsive Prepared Environment: The environment should be designed to meet the needs, interests, abilities, and development of the children in the class. The educators should design and adapt the environment with this community of children in mind, rapidly modifying the selection of educational materials available, the physical layout, and the tone of the class to best fit the ever changing needs of the children.
3. A Focus on Individual Progress and Development: Within a Montessori environment, children progress at their own pace, moving on to the next step in each area of learning as they are each ready to do so. While the child lives within a larger community of children, each student is viewed as a universe of one. Montessori Learning Activities
4. Hands On Learning: In a Montessori learning environment, students rarely learn from texts or workbooks. In all cases, direct personal hands-on contact with either real things under study or with concrete learning materials that bring abstract concepts to life allow children to learn with much deeper understanding.

5. Spontaneous Activity: It is natural for children to talk, move, touch things, and explore the world around them. Any true Montessori environment encourages children to move about freely, within reasonable limits of appropriate behavior. Much of the time the children select work that has been presented to them individually and which captures their interest and attention, although the Montessori educator also strives to draw their attention and capture their interest in new challenges and areas of inquiry. And even within this atmosphere of spontaneous activity, students do eventually have to master the basic skills of their culture, even if initially they would prefer to avoid them.

6. Active Learning: In Montessori learning environments, children not only select their own work from the choices presented to them, but also continue to work with tasks, returning to continue their work over many weeks or months, until finally the work is so easy for them that they can demonstrate it to younger children. This is one of many ways that Montessori educators use to confirm that students have reached mastery of each skill.

7. Self-motivated Activity: One of Montessori’s key concepts is the idea that children are driven by their desire to become independent and competent beings in the world to learn new things and master new skills. For this reason, outside rewards to create external motivation are both unnecessary and potentially can lead to passive adults who are dependent on others for everything from their self-image to permission to follow their dreams. In the process of making independent choices and exploring concepts largely on their own, Montessori children construct their own sense of individual identity and personal judgment of right and wrong.

8. Freedom Within Limits: Montessori children enjoy considerable freedom of movement and choice, however their freedom always exists within carefully defined limits on the range of their behavior. They are free to do anything appropriate to the ground rules of the community, but redirected promptly and firmly if they cross over the line.

9. Self-disciplined Learning: In Montessori programs, children do not work for grades or external rewards, nor do they simply complete assignments given them by their Montessori educators. Children learn because they are interested in things, and because all children share a desire to become competent and independent human beings.

Montessori Learning Communities
10. Mixed age groups: Montessori learning environments gather together children of two, three, or more age levels into a family group. Children remain together for several years, with the fully developed students moving on to the next age grouping when they demonstrate readiness to do so.

11. A Family Setting: Montessori learning environments are communities of children and adults. As children grow older and more capable, they assume a great role in helping to care for the environment and meet the needs of younger children in the class. The focus is less on the educators and more on the entire community of children and adults, much like one finds in a real family.

12. Cooperation and Collaboration, Rather Than Competition: Montessori children are encouraged to treat one another with kindness and respect. Insults and shunning behavior tends to be much more rare. Instead we normally find children who have a great fondness for one another, and who are free from needless interpersonal competition for attention and prestige. Because children learn at their own pace, Montessori educators refrain from comparing students against one another.
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